how loved you are

How Loved We Are 

 As we near the end of the month of love, I’m reminded of the brokenness our world faces. The idea of love may be painful and leave many feeling as if loneliness is safer than being loved. 

The pain we’ve endured has caused weariness beyond our imagination. Maybe the pain didn’t come from a significant other, maybe it was a friend, family member, or possibly a loss. Heartache comes in many different forms. The weight of such pains can certainly weigh one down.  

Truthfully, we are all, at some point, a disappointment to someone. We will slip. We will willingly and unwillingly hurt someone. We fail. Shame isn’t the solution, but understanding who defines love and is love should be our focus when we want to demonstrate Godly love. 

 God doesn’t fail. He is incapable of doing so. 

 Despite your every flaw, you’re loved. You were created with purpose and thought in every detail. Your flaws? Yes, they are real, but they are there to remind you of your need for Him. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

You are loved. Accept His love and keep your eyes on what is true. 

Pregnancy Loss

In the valley.

It’s a guarantee that life will, at some point, become heavy. It’s often not in our control and challenging to accept. Early last December, we discovered I was pregnant. We were over the moon! Mark’s mom and aunt visited for the twins’ Christmas performances for school and church. We were able to share our exciting news with them and celebrate the life that would be joining us mid August.

With Christmas around the corner, we were beyond excited to share this unexpected and extremely exciting news with my side of the family. We were hosting Christmas this year and our house was going to be packed with joy with us all together. “Sounds like a Hallmark movie” my dentist told me as I shared with him at my appointment I was expecting. From that moment on, I could just picture the disbelief and happy tears of our news! Unfortunately, Covid hit our home right before Christmas which canceled plans for us all. The disappointment was unreal, but I hung onto the joy of our precious babe and shared the news over FaceTime. Our stocking tags included, Baby Pinta hung by the fire. The kids together opened their t-shirts sharing the news. Although the news couldn’t be enjoyed together everyone could hardly contain their excitement for precious baby Pinta.

I didn’t feel well about 4 weeks into my pregnancy. I sipped on cans of ginger ale and sucked on preggy pops like candy. On top of this, Covid wasn’t helping. Immediately following Covid I was basically bedridden. Hardly any liquid would stay down. My energy was a joke. Doctor put me on Unisom and B6 which made me tired, but a little less sick. I was so thankful to have Mark home helping with the kids as I could hardly handle even getting dressed for the day.

January 3, my sweet Ellie’s 4th birthday and first ultrasound. Since our plans had completely changed my parents were able to visit at this time allowing Mark to be with me for my first official appointment. We left the appointment with news no one wants to hear, “It appears as if you’ve had a loss. We see a sac, but no fetal pole. Come see us in 11 days to see if anything has changed.” The view of no pumping heart was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever seen.

We lost a chid.

On top of this, my sickness still hung around. Really, really bad too. Without taking morning sickness medicine daily I’m doing nothing but throwing up. With it, I’m a little less sick and a bit more sleepy. My body apparently is still strongly unaware that our baby is no longer with us. My belly is still expanded. My 32-year-old self all arranged to grow this sweet babe. Why didn’t my body get the memo? I will admit I find food quite comforting. With a fuller belly I feel like I can “push through” with what I need to. But If it wasn’t for this intense sickness, I could have very much missed God. Food wasn’t what I needed. I needed Him. I still need Him.

It’s easy to ask the question, “Why?” Life can be painful. Simply unfair. I’ll admit I’ve been a bit angry with all that has happened with me. But I’m fully aware we aren’t designed to understand why God does many things the way He does (Isaiah 55:8). Despite my feelings and what my eyes see, I am confident God is currently at work. (Jeremiah 29:11) He never stops. God knew all along that this would be part of my story. He created our baby with purpose. My Lord is incapable of ever failing me. (Joshua 21:45) Confident in this, I’m going to allow Him to be my refuge (psalm 46: 1-3). He will wipe every tear; There have been many tears. My goal has always been heaven and my baby is now in the arms of their precious creator. It’s so easy to distance heaven from this life, but in reality heaven is the only true hope we can count on.

I know I’m far from alone in walking in this grief. My heart truly breaks for anyone facing this much pain. I don’t care how common it is, it’s still extremely hard. I hope to encourage you to run into His arms. I hope you know that your baby matters.

To the many mommas expecting, please don’t hesitate to share your excitement with me! We are called to rejoice with one another and momma I am rejoicing with you!! I am on my knees in prayer daily for friends expecting and don’t doubt for a second God is listening. Share your joy! Precious babies are meant to be always celebrated!

I will still sing of the goodness of God! He is faithful through it all!

A Unique senior year

The year in life that seems to fully focus on the next. The work, the dreams, the future is just a few footsteps away. Time with friends and family becomes more precious and, before we know it, the year is complete.
No doubt, 2021 seniors had a unique year; much like seniors of 2020. The online life of communication and education became the norm for many. The in-person events turned into a zoom meetings, or completely canceled. A year where guidance and wisdom were significant for the number of uncertainties that rested in our heavy world, but the majority of help was limited behind a screen.

Many educators went out of their way to make the best of this unprecedented time and to help students prepare themselves for life after high school. I personally know the toll of being a teacher, but not during a pandemic. The extra load of creativity and balance required a great deal of sacrifice, patience, and determination to make the year successful. It is teachers that have the ability to impact children to become the beautiful being God created them to be. Good teachers love each and every one of their students. They meet their needs, they highlight their strengths, and they help to improve upon their weaknesses. Good teachers continue to care where their students are in life, even after they are gone.

During senior sessions, it is my goal to offer encouragement and excitement for the days ahead. It is no small deal to graduate. There may be plans for what follows next, there may not be. It is my hope to highlight the person that you have become. To celebrate with you NOW. It is a high priority for me to pray for you as you begin your life outside of school. The world can quickly become so overwhelming, but when we keep our eyes on Christ He will be with us in every step we take.

You got this!

Laundry Cycle

My handsome dude, Aaron

We can all relate. At some point we all have to wash, dry, and wear new clothes. Notice I didn’t say put up the clothes. Honestly, it doesn’t always happen in our home. Our loveseat I’m fairly certain is designed for our clean clothes. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were to be bare that it would be slightly brighter than our sofa we always sit on. Occasionally, a few pieces of clothing may make their way to the floor as the mountain gets shoved around as we frantically search for our favorite pair of pants . I joke that our clothes are like a decoration and all the colors just make the living room pop! Who needs decoration pillows and throw blankets? Grab yourself a clean shirt to cozy up with!

If you’ve been to our home and aren’t certain about the mountain of laundry on my love seat chances are I took the time to move it temporarily to my bed. This doesn’t even motivate me to put it away. I just simply move back the pile to it’s beloved location-the loveseat. I mean, it would be inconsiderate of me to not let our clean clothes be accessible to everyone. Our loveseat is much easier to get to than my bedroom. ;)

I even proudly passed on the Nichols family tradition of a sock basket. All clean socks go in and usually as you need them they go out. On Friday nights (because I’m so fun) I sometimes take the time to match all the single ladies. Unmatched socks make me cringe even more than the number of holey socks I discover from my hubby! How can he even….

I believe laundry is one of those chores many people constantly change to try and keep up with the massive amounts of clothes we somehow seem to dirty. The questions hang…

When should I do it?

How should we do it? Separate colors? Separate each persons?

Is it worth keeping so organized?

How can it become less of a mountain?

To me it wasn't just a physical pile on my love seat- it was a pile of “need to dos” that I often carried to high on my shoulders. That stink’n love seat had become a constant reminder that I have something that I need to do-to clear-to accomplish. For the longest time I gave it the power to make me grumble every time it crossed my eyes and the best certainly would not come out of me. I normally about two loads of laundry a day. I involve the whole family and somehow that mountain doesn’t get any smaller.

My sweet lady, Addilyn

It wasn’t until recently I decided to let it go. It’s clothes. Something we all need. Something that will get dirty. Something that will get cleaned. The laundry cycle didn’t have to involve me being so crabby! Sure, it’s a good feeling to be caught up and have what we needed to get done checked off, but laundry has no end. If we know something is going to continue we really need to check ourselves before we let ourselves hand over the power of frustration.

For our home, I’d rather have a less frustrated momma than a naked love seat. :)

Breakdown at Target

October 2017 my husband and I decided it was time to work our way out of debt. This meant BIG cuts and one big beautiful cut was getting ready of our 2015 Dodge Journey. It just wasn’t affordable as we knew we had student loans to pay off. So we lucked out by trading our van with my in-laws for their 2004 PAID OFF Town and Country Minivan.

Over the course of a year the van was good to us. We knew it was old, but the repairs became more pricey and the reliability became questionable. So we prayed. Prayed for another van that was reasonable priced that our family could count on. Once again, our faithful Father provided. This time it was a 2010 fancy Honda Odyssey. Truly a dream van that only meant a small set bag from screaming debt free.

Then the new reliable van broke down.

Again. And again. Issues that could happen to any vehicle, but GOOD GRIEF.

Monday morning we were running late for preschool drop off. I quickly buckled all three of my littles in.

And the car won’t start. Battery was totally dead.

I call my husband in a panic and nearly tears. He calmly guides me through jumping the car with the older minivan thankfully still parked in our driveway. I really thought the purpose of our older minivan sitting still in our driveway was to make me grumble while backing out the driveway, but once again God used it to help. No doubt the neighbors saw me franticly jumping around worried I was about to shock myself in front of my three littles-It would be an unfortunate way to go. But I did it and even managed to drop my twins of to preschool 5 minutes late! A miracle I tell you! That same day my lovely hubby got a new battery installed our van so the issue would be resolved.

Nearly a week later I was making a run to Target for crackers and Gatorade for my little lady going on 4 days o of a nasty stomach bug. Leaving the store, my van once again wouldn’t start.

There I was broke down and alone at Target. I wanted to just let the emotions roll and scream out, Why God? Why on earth would this be an ongoing issue? We need this! But I needed to quickly figure out how to get this car working because two of my blessings were in preschool and I had their car seats. I ran inside to the service desk requesting for help. One employee saw my eyes water and ran around trying to find their handy service man to jump my car. I stood their with a nearly dead phone, unwashed hair, tears in my eyes, an empty wallet, and no sleep due to a sick kid. I was the definition of a hot mess and depending on people I didn’t know to help. As I stood their worrying the handy service man told me he’d be happy to help me with my car. Praise the Lord once again I was fine.

You may think you need this van Jenni, but you really need Me.

I felt His whisper. His message. His lesson. His peace.

Even at a breakdown at Target God provided. It’s not what I wanted, but it’s what I needed in order to once again remember who is always in control when the unexpected so quickly feel overwhelming.

Eating With Friends

I offered to bring by a meal for dinner after visiting with a close friend.
"Or if it's easier we can eat with you." She said.I responded with a grin and excited to have her sweet family over in my home. 
I shared with my husband late last night how I believe it has become the norm to offer to drop of meals and have little to no interaction with one another. We don't want to intrude and have a list of excuses to quickly leave. 
If you think about it we are likely dropping of meals to someone because their load is heavy right now. Life is a tad extra and of course we want to be helpful by checking off dinner for them. 
Of course there are times this is exactly what is needed, but what about being relational? What about bringing our families together during a time of much needed encouragement? 
Don't get me wrong evenings are HARD. So, so chaotic. I live by routines and I'm confident dinner time means maybe 1 of my 3 kids will actually eat, most food ends up on the floor, and all three have a potty clock as soon as I sit down to scarf down my food. We have meltdowns followed by more meltdowns...and then there is the every night bedtime battle. 
But through all of this life does become more challenging through difficult seasons. 
Encouragement is needed. 
Friendships are needed. 
God wants us to open our doors. Invite people into our loud evenings. 
God wants us to do life together. We need one another more than just a frozen casserole. 

My friend gave me this mug last night because she's grateful. Grateful I am willing to welcome her into my messy life and work my hardest to represent Jesus. ❤️

Breathe

We were on night three of my 20 month old fighting a nasty bug. All the sips of pedialyte, changes of clothes, new warm, fresh out of the dryer blankets, and even snuggling up with momma just wasn’t going to budge this virus. I sat back in my daughter’s rocker holding my lady close-once again recovering from getting sick all over the both of us-and just felt completely helpless. We were both exhausted. I rocked and allowed my selfish mind to worry how I would face ANOTHER restless night.

Missouri did finally get the memo that it is in fact fall! Temperature dropped that evening which meant the house was opened up and the much needed fresh air was making it’s way into our home. Rocking back and forth, I focused in on my daughter’s window. The window was opened but her big pink curtains were closed creating a bubble of trapped air as the breeze made it’s way in. Then, slowly, the bubble would disappear forcing the curtains to shift tightly to the window.

In. And out. In. And out.

All I could think was, just breathe.

My grandpa taught me the 4-7-8 breathing technique to help me shut off my loud brain at night. You start by breathing in through your nose for 4 seconds. Then, hold your breath for 7 seconds ( I don’t ever find that to be easy for some reason). Finally, exhale through the mouth for 8 seconds. It’s kind of fun to watch your heart rate drop on your Fitbit and hopefully convince your body to enter the much needed sleep mode; fingers crossed those sweet babies stay asleep.

God designed our bodies so well we aren’t responsible for telling everything inside how to do it’s job. Breathing is something we just do without thinking. However, when we do take the time to stop and catch our breath, a load is lifted.

After something as simple as repeating the process of deep, slow breaths we can focus. Not focus on the problem, but focus on what we do know.

I do know this sickness will pass.

I do know I will get to sleep again ( Maybe when I’m about 99 years old, lol)

I do know that God is always faithful and draws me near in times of such uncertainties.

Heavy loads and even seasons can make us feel as if we are drowning in our doubts. It’s no joke that when it rains, it pours. It’s never clear in the moment why God would allow such a trail to be faced. In fact, I think He often doesn’t want us to know as we walk through because

with our own understanding we lack His.

We certainly will have uncertainties (badump bump).

Hold on do what we know and cling to our Father who is always faithful.

And don’t forget to breathe. This too shall pass.

Family Travels

Traveling puts my husband in a full, content mood. Being in a different environment, away from the normal routine gives him a peace that allows him to fully refresh from reality. For me, the idea of managing family chaos while we’re all strapped in the van for several hours completely overwhelms me. I am such a planner and whenever you travel anywhere with young kiddos, there is no telling what will go down.

Did I bring enough snacks?
Did I pack enough diapers?
Where is my son’s favorite lovey?
Oh, my goodness I forgot my shower cap!

Although I know my husband loves getting away, I know driving can quickly become overwhelming with our bunch in the car. And then there are the numerous days away from home that I, somehow, function with little to no sleep. I kid you not, my kids are up close to midnight simply because they are not in their bed and are away from home and then wake up at the crack of dawn every morning

Whyyyy kids?

I find traveling exhausting.

But we do it. And I’m so very glad we do!

We do it because we love our family.

I am one who just hates goodbyes. I blame my Grandpa Nichols who would plan a trip to see family and stress about forcing himself to say goodbye to someone he loves. That is me! When my husband and I lived in Seattle, WA and would purchase tickets to fly to visit my parents, instead of focusing on my excitement, I’d cry thinking of the dreadful moment of saying goodbye. Now that we are within a reasonable driving distance and are able to see family much more frequently, I handle goodbyes a tad bit better, but still not my thing.

The idea of living close to family sounds wonderful, but it has not been a part of God’s plan for my husband and I. God opened doors immediately when my husband graduated from college and we decided to take a chance and move across the country. 5 years later, God opened another door that would place us in the middle of our families and make it much easier for our kids to be a big part of their grandparent’s, aunt’s and uncle’s lives and now, we are in the lovely St. Louis Missouri area.

As much as I want to live closer, I have learned to be grateful that we don’t. Yes, I said grateful. Don’t get me wrong, if we could have my parents or in-laws nearby I’d be pretty darn pumped, but I am so grateful for the relationships I have with my family because of the gift of distance.

Distance has forced us to make the best of the moments we have with one another.

If my mom was someone I saw at church every week, we wouldn’t be embracing our Target shopping trips, family meals, and her entire role as nana wouldn’t be near the same to my children. Nana is someone we long to see. Someone who leaves treats on our bed every time we visit. Someone who never visits us empty handed. My mom, along with my dad and in-laws and the rest of our family, are all people that fill my children with joy!

Again, I sure wouldn’t complain if we were closer to family at some point, but our current dynamic has equipped us all to embrace the precious moments to the full.

So although traveling takes a lot of extra work, every single fussy exhausting second is worth it when we can all be together.

Travel. Don’t break the bank, but choose to make the moments count. Work hard to embrace the loud and crazy trips to create memories of a lifetime.

I guarantee you won’t regret it.